One Part Love
by ExistingIvy
Summary: What do you do when you have your head, but you lose your heart? An Edward/Bella story of rediscovering first love.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Hi everyone. I hope you like my story. **

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This was not what I expected.

We were supposed to be the perfect couple, peas in a pod.

When we were little, we carved our initials in the tree in my backyard. I remembered telling him that since it was engraved that it was permanent. Because there was no way to erase it, it was stuck there for future generations to see. He didn't smile, but nodded. There was no enthusiasm at this thought. I wasn't sure if it was he knew that we wouldn't be forever or he never expressed extreme emotions.

Now, I stood with my hand clutching a tissue. The site of that carving left an indelible etching on my own heart. The four letters that made up our initials were supposed to express the other best four initials of our lives: love. Instead, I held nothing but hate in my heart.

I was not one who held grudges. I'm not a perfect human being and knew I had done wrong to other people. One time, Mike Newton, my next door neighbor when I was a kid, left marbles on the sidewalk. I tripped over them and he rushed over to 'save me'. I later learned that it was to get my attention. But, I didn't hold it against him; he wanted to ask me out for ice cream and I thought it was an odd way to get me to go out with him, but it was not malicious.

Even the most malicious of intentions didn't leave me bitter. I really didn't know where my humility came from, but it definitely seemed unnatural. No one was supposed to forgive and forget as easily as I did.

"Bella, everyone's inside. We're making the announcement soon." Jasper knew why I was out here. Everyone knew it and this made me feel self-conscious.

"Okay. Just give me a minute."

Jasper, his hands tucked away in his pocket, walked back inside.

There was nothing else for me to say to anyone. This was not my place anymore. I had to leave this place and do some fucking soul searching. Could I have been more cliché? Twenty-something girl looking to explore the world and finding herself?

My soul was supposed to be with him and now it was fucking ruined! I picked up a rock at the base of the tree and hurled it at those initials.

"Fuck you! Goddamn you!" I stomped my foot and let the pins and needles feeling snake up my leg. "Why did you do this to me?" I picked up another rock, but missed the tree by a mile.

"Ow!" Someone was hiding out in the woods.

"Who's out there?" I was ready to bolt. Half my family was in law enforcement. Most of them were drinking beer inside my house at the moment. "I've got a gun!" It was always good to bluff though.

"You don't know how to shoot a gun." Was this person mocking me?

"Alright, asshole. Get out here! I'll throw another rock!" I scrambled to pick one up quickly. I was ready to perform some karate chops on whoever this idiot was.

It was silent except for the crunching leaves the intruder was stepping on. And then he showed his face from behind that carved tree. The rock left my hand without hesitation.

"Ow, Bella! Come on!" The rock hit his arm, blocking his face. It was like the initials granted me my worst nightmare.

"Fuck you, Edward! Get out of my yard!"

"Shhh…I don't want people to know I'm here."

"You don't get that right."

"Please, just shut up."

"You shut up, fucking asshole."

"Bella, come on. Let me explain."

"No. I will never give you that chance! Ever!" My tears were running hot and fast down my cheek. I was hoping my loudness would draw attention from inside, but nobody was coming.

"Please, Bee. Can…we go for a walk?"

"How about you take a walk off a cliff? Tall building? Bridge?"

He scoffed. "Fine, then will you talk to me?"

"No."

"Alright. I'll come back tomorrow."

"Save your breath."

With that, Edward disappeared in the shadows of the trees in my backyard. I'd love it if he was swallowed by them and I never had to see his face again.

But I knew him. He was relentless and would continue until I listened to him.

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**A/N: Hi. Sorry if this chapter is short. I got really excited and just posted. **


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: Disclaimer: These characters aren't mine. Damn it.**

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I wiped the tears that stung my cheeks. He knew how to push my buttons and I hated him for it. If you were so fortunate enough to do so, you might find out things about me I never would've admitted. When we were young, Edward often did things just to get a reaction out of me. It was a million times harder to get anything out of him. I could've named on all ten of my fingers the times I got Edward Cullen to crack because of me. I may have had to world record on that one, as opposed to everyone else he knew.

I went back inside my house. My childhood home. It was always warm and well put together. The structure truly defied time and space. I didn't remember a single time when there was a major problem with it. There were issues with leaky faucets and the one time Jasper drove his car into the living room, but that was an extreme circumstance. Even then, the house stood defiant, giving the car the proverbial finger.

I envied a fucking house.

I wish I still had my foundation steady after an automobile drove through me. In this case, Edward's automobile had done a number on my interior. Everything was thrown off its axle and undriveable. It didn't matter how much you fixed a car, it still had that damage to it. It still goes on record for all to see.

And people saw every bit of what he did to me.

"Bella, it's about time you came back inside." The bundle of excitement known as Alice Whitlock greeted me by the back door.

Alice was using my home for the setting of her latest celebration; Jasper and her were staying in a small apartment at the time.

I was the rope and she was winning the tug-o-war with my arm. "Let's go, we've been waiting for you."

I didn't want to be around all of this happy. My depression was easy to hold onto; happiness took too much energy to produce. There were dozens of people in the living room, sipping on wines and spirits. If I got anywhere near alcohol, it would not be pretty.

"Alice, I really don't want to be in there." I halted the very definition of party hard and optimism from taking me further.

"Was he out back?"

"Yeah."

"Bastard."

"I think he really wanted to come in." I couldn't believe I was defending him a little bit.

"He wasn't invited."

"He's your brother, Alice. Your triplet, that's like…tripley important."

"Not as important as you. He did wrong and he's paying for it."

"Please, can I skip this?"

"Bella, this is about me. No one will be looking at you. And if they do, I'm still not afraid to kick their ass. I'm pregnant, not incapable of punching a few people."

The words still didn't make me feel better, but I continued on.

Every single part of Alice's life was a spectacle. She'd have a party to show off her new dining ware. She planted an entire garden in her backyard to have a tea garden party. She puts so much effort into making her life so happy. I wish she knew when to limit the occasions. This time, she was having a party because Jasper and her were expecting. I excused her this particular time; this was a major life event that you had parties for. Of course, almost everyone in the room knew she was pregnant, but that didn't dampen any of Alice's plans.

"Everybody I have an announcement to make." Alice was soft at first. People were sipping wine and talking way too loud. Alice stuck two fingers in her mouth and blew a whistle. "I said I have an announcement to make!"

Jasper slid next to Alice, wrapping his arm around her waist. He did everything to please her. I don't think he went a day without dealing with Alice's exuberance for making the best of life. They were the perfect ying-yang. He was the quiet, reserved man who kept his wife grounded, while she showed him when to loosen up.

Alice paused for effect. "I'm pregnant!"

There were a few gasps of surprise, followed by the obligatory round of applause.

"Sis, are you serious?" Emmett, Alice's other triplet brother, was bouncing lightly on his heels. "I'm gonna be an uncle?"

"Mhmm." Alice nodded vehemently.

"I would pick you up and swing you around, but I hear that's bad for pregnant ladies." Emmett stuffed his hand in his pockets instead. "I still can't believe I'm gonna be an uncle!"

Alice's mother, Sandra held onto her daughter's cheeks. Warm and happy tears glistened in her eyes. "Alice, I'm so happy for you baby."

I slowly backed away as everyone bombarded the happy couple with their congratulations. All of this happiness was like a knife cutting into me. I felt like the sad case of the room, staring into my glass of water. Half-empty or half-full? I didn't care because I wanted empty or full. I wanted definite answers. I didn't want one leg in the door and one out. I wanted concrete, solid answers.

Some people put their hands on Alice's stomach, hoping to get a kick out of the baby, even though it was barely four months developed. This was when I exited the room, taking a seat on a bar stool in my kitchen.

All of this, the baby and marriage, was supposed to be mine. I was supposed to be making a cheesy announcement. My husband was supposed to be at my side, scared shitless but happy all the same. It was my dream and what I was positive would come true. Instead, I sat moping about shattered hopes and pessimism swallowing me faster than quick sand.

My phone buzzed on the counter, sliding along the marble. It was a text message.

**Hey sis, did they announce it?** Rosalie couldn't make it to the announcement. She had tests before Spring Break and Alice wanted to let everyone know before she started really showing.

**Yeah. Emmett went happy apeshit crazy. **

**Lol. That's why I never told him. He has the best the reactions to everything. Tell him I miss him.**

**I will. I won't be here when you come home.**

**Why not?**

I hadn't told her my plans yet. Rosalie had strong opinions of everything I did with my life. **I'm traveling across country. **

My text went unanswered for five minutes; the equivalent of forever in the text world. **You still there or did you fall off your chair?**

She finally responded. **Why? Where are you going?**

I knew she'd laugh at me once I said this. **I'm going to the National Cherry Blossom Festival in Washington D.C.**

**The what?**

**You know what I said.**

**I know what you said, but why?**

**Because I want to do something random.**

**Random is not the same as taking a trip across the United States to see some trees. **

**So sue me if I want to do something else for a change.**

**Bella, if this is a cry out for attention, you've got it now.**

**Fuck you.**

I slammed my phone on the counter. A burst of laughter came from the living room. This place was too much for me. The judgment, the happy, I wanted away from it.

Truth was, I liked cherry blossom trees. They're so pretty and only last for a short amount of time. The petals are so small and delicate. I remember seeing a few of them in my lifetime and wish I could've grown them in our backyard.

If it was something that made me happy, why did I need to explain to anyone?

**I'm sorry. **The genuine sorrow was there.

**Forgiven.** She was one person I could forgive and forget easily.

**So, when is this festival thing? **

**The end of March, beginning of April. It's a 2 day drive straight there, but I'm taking my time. I wanna see the country too.**

**All by yourself?**

**Yes.** This was one thing I wasn't backing down on. I was going to be alone and wanted it no other way.

I felt her thinking about it. She didn't like the idea of me doing anything by myself. I had barely been on my own my whole life. I needed this though. I needed to stand on my own two feet, even if it was something as random as driving alone across the states.

**When do you leave?**

**In a week.**

**I hope you have fun. **This was her approval, if a hesitant one.

**I hope so too.**

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A/N: Thanks for reading. These chapters are going to be short, I think. If I update as often as I am, they'll stay that way. I'm going with the flow. Review if you feel inclined.  
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	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: Disclaimer: These characters belong to Stephenie. Damn it.**

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"Forks Police." I sat at my front desk, fielding calls for the small but strong department. "Hold please."

I intercommed my Dad, _the_ Chief Charlie Swan. "Yes, Bells?"

"Reggie's on the phone. Line one." I transferred the call; my Dad spoke to him on a daily basis.

Having a family in law enforcement had its major ups. Both my parents are cops. My Dad had worked here a long time with a few other people. When Renee came to town expressing her interest in working as a cop, Charlie was awestruck. He couldn't believe a beautiful woman like my mom wanted to get involved in such a dangerous job.

My mom Renee had been searching for the right kind of occupation for herself for a long time. She would hold jobs for no more than a year before she got bored or wasn't promoted. It wasn't until she saw how beneficial being a cop would be. She never stopped to think about how she was putting her life on the line every day, when the victims in a crime were in far worse condition than her.

My uncles Tom and Teddy, Charlie's brothers, were both cops in San Francisco. My great grandfather was a judge in a district court in Oregon. The Swans of the Northwest made it their life's work to be part of the justice system.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to continue that specific legacy. Manning the phones was only a temporary position while I got myself together again. It was also the least public job I could have without people commenting to me about my situation. This trip was looking much better every day.

"Good morning, Bella." My mom placed a steaming cup of coffee with milk and sugar on my desk. "Any calls yet?"

"None yet. But you do have a hair appointment at 1:30 today." Apparently, I was also an appointment keeper to my parents and the handful of cops that worked here. I didn't mind it, but I worried what will happen when I'm gone on my trip.

I knew my family wanted me to do things, but I know I surprised them when I said I wanted to road trip across the country. They thought I was going to do weird things like in _Easy Rider_ or worse, end up like _Thelma and Louise_. I had to reassure them that I was strictly going to the festival with no sex, drugs or meeting crazy people along the way. I couldn't discount the alcohol though.

Around twelve o'clock, I went out for lunch for the crew. Typically, we'd order from the diner once a week, usually on a Monday to brighten everybody's mood after the weekend.

This was my least favorite part of my job. This was where I would face everyone everyday. The looks of scrutiny. They'd have the looks of sorrow on their face. I knew what they were thinking; 'oh that poor girl'. As if I needed that in my face everyday; this was one of the reasons I was leaving this place for a while. Everyone had a side in the matter. Some felt sorry for me and eventually, people were on Edward's side. I didn't understand what they could feel sorry about for him; he was the one who fucked up.

I stepped into the diner and a hush came over the air. Eyes darted toward me, scanning for signs of sadness. There was nothing for me to hide behind but my face. I prayed the tears wouldn't betray me. The lump in my throat threatened to choke me, but I swallowed it down. I kept my head high as I made my way to the counter.

I was lucky that Alice was there; she was usually watching over the cash register, but was sitting on a stool on the customer side today. Her stomach looked oddly more pronounced out in public as opposed to the dimmer lighting of my home.

"Hey, Bells. Got the order up right here." She slid the two bags toward me on the counter.

"Thanks. Say, what are you doing later?"

"Nothing, why?"

"I need some help packing for my trip and since you're so organized, I thought you might want to help me."

"Of course."

"Seven sound okay?"

"Sure." I wish I had a bright smile like Alice. She breeded optimism like it was going out of style.

Handling the bags, I walked to the front door. I couldn't push it open from the front, so I backed into it. I felt the pressure give way under me as someone from the outside opened it for me.

And there he was; all tall and rustic. He had grown a beard, his hair longer than ever before. He wasn't on the level of cavemen unkempt, but it was definitely not what I was use to.

We briefly stared at each other, our worlds connected again for the first time in a while. I saw my reflection in his and it stung. Under my eyes were bags. My hair could've used a brushing, maybe a haircut. I could tell that he wanted to help me out to the car with the bags, but I left quickly. He was not going to help me ever again. He wasn't going to hold doors open for me again. Most of all, he wasn't getting back in my heart again.

I placed the bags on the roof of the car, as I opened the door. I stuffed them on the seat and shut the door. I sat in my seat and took stock of the moment. There was nothing I wanted more than to move on. I didn't want to feel this way around him. I wanted to be better and be the bigger person. Why was it so hard to do? My hands shook as I put the key in the ignition and started the car. Before I pulled out of the parking lot, I looked up.

He was still standing by the door, watching me. He was not the same person as before, there was no joy. I saw so much masked under that beard and hair. It was his rebel cry and my trip would be mine. I wish I had it that easy.

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A week later, I was stuffing my old tan Volvo's trunk with an even older, brown leather suitcase. My small cooler sat in the passenger seat, stuff with soda, water and snacks. My mom even packed a couple sandwiches for me.

"Oh baby, please check in with us." Renee hugged and kissed me.

"I will."

Charlie hugged me as well, before handing me some pepper spray. "Don't be afraid to use this."

I had to roll my eyes. "If you would've taught me how to use a gun…"

"I don't need more nightmares." He playfully joked, his smile showing through his mustache.

I said my goodbyes to Alice, Jasper and Emmett, promising to call or text them at various points of the trip. They didn't know this, but I was going to try and find some points of interest they might like and send them pictures. And if I was lucky, bring home some souvenirs.

"Bye everyone!" I stuck my hand out the open window and waved as I drove away. I caught the reflection of their waves in my side view mirror.

As I passed by the various buildings in Forks, I felt the weight of the world leave me. I had butterflies in my stomach about what was to come, but it was such a wonderful feeling. I hadn't felt anything but numbness for so long, it was refreshing to have them fluttering around in there. In my head, I said my goodbyes to the little strip of shops that made up downtown Forks. I watched the supermarket, hospital and tiny government buildings disappear behind me.

Ahead of me was the open road, full of things I had yet to discover. Paths I had yet to come across and travel on. And I was going to be a big girl and do this for myself. All by myself.

A small, hopeful smile came across my face. I was glad, but scared. I truly was doing this on my own. I had a map and GPS, so I wasn't lost. I also had the radio, so I turned that on. Unfortunately, it was a country station playing another song about heartbreak and drinking beer to drown your sorrows in.

Shit.

I hadn't invested in an iPod and I regretted it instantly. I hadn't thought about needing music to fill my days. I would be driving for miles without a radio station to listen to.

This truly was going to be a long trip.

As I was about to leave Forks officially, a car sped up behind me flashing its lights. I waved him to go around me, but he honked his horn.

Who knows? Maybe it was my family telling me I forgot to pack something. I pulled over to the side of the road. Stepping out of the car, I saw who it was.

Edward was coming toward me. "You're really going?"

I didn't want to answer him, but the faster I did, the faster I'd get out of dodge. "Yeah, why wouldn't I be?"

"I don't know. It's not like you to do rash things."

"Well, there's a lot you don't know about me then."

"Same here."

I wasn't about to stand here and discuss my plans with him. "Listen, I'm on a time crunch and you are taking it up yet again."

"Can we please have a conversation without…"

"Without what?"

"The…condescending attitude. I just want to talk."

"Oh." I paced back and forth, laughing in disbelief. "You want to talk? You really do have shitty timing."

"Actually, I don't."

"Why is that?"

He walked back to his car, opening his trunk. He pulled out a stuffed duffle bag and threw it over his shoulder. "Because I'm coming with you."

My response was without thought. "Absolutely not."

"Bee, you are not-"

"Do _not_ call me Bee."

"Fine, Bella. You are not going across the country alone."

"You are not babysitting me. I've been babysat over the past year and don't need it for this. But wouldn't it be a delicious piece of irony if _you_ ended up doing so on this trip?"

"No actually, it would be a pleasure to travel with you across the country. Plus, I know you don't have an iPod and I happen to have one." He gestured to his duffle bag.

I shook my head, bringing my lips between my teeth. "Why are you doing this to me?"

"I honestly don't know, but I know you can't do this alone. I know Charlie gave you pepper spray, but that's not going to protect you out there." He tilted his head toward the road leading out of town, the great wide path to freedom.

"So you're saying I need a man?"

"No, a…" I knew he wanted to say companion, friend, but he was not good enough for those. "…travel buddy."

I didn't want to have a breakdown on the side of the road. This trip was supposed to be about me. This was about me doing something unexpected and seeing myself in a whole new light. But, part of me always craved to go back to what was. I wanted what we never got. I wanted to this trip to heal wounds and give me a new slate to work with.

I wasn't sure if Edward was anywhere in this future. I'm not sure I wanted him there. Was there a difference between the two? Was it worth finding out?

"Bella, if you let me go with you, once you get to the festival, and you never want to see me again, I will honor that wish."

I stared at him. I hated having that kind of decision on my shoulders, but the potential weight that would be lifted from them could be tremendous. If I wasn't so angry at him, I could respect him.

I closed my eyes and muttered my words. "Yes, you can come with me."

Edward placed a call to Alice to pick up his car, as he stuff his bag in the back passenger seat. He hopped in the back as well.

"I'll sit back here." He weakly smiled.

Why did it hurt to know that he knew that's what I wanted, but also _not_ what I wanted at the same time?

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**A/N: This chapter is a little longer. I hope to keep updating this fast. Review if you are so inclined.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: Disclaimer: Stephenie owns these characters. Damn it.**

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The first song that popped up on Edward's iPod on our trip was 'Jack and Sally's Song'. This was our song. I sighed, realizing that this was going to be a long trip.

Back in 1996, we shared our first kiss. I was fourteen. It was summertime or as summertime Forks could get. We had our warm days and that day happened to be the hottest of the summer. I had on my one piece bathing suit; Charlie had a fit when I wanted to buy a two piece.

I went to Edward's place, where they were having a party. Alice really wanted to show off the family's new swimming pool, complete with a slide. She organized a full menu of barbecue foods and fun, non-alcoholic beverages.

Once I got to Alice's place, I hung out with Emmett and her. My crush on Edward had been blooming for a while and I didn't see him at the house at first.

"Where's Edward?" I asked Alice, taking careful sips from my glass of virgin margarita.

"Ugh, he's being such a baby. He doesn't want to be here. Something about too many people."

I had counted on hanging out with him all day. There would be the rest of the Cullens and other kids from school, but none of them mattered the way Edward did.

"Oh, that sucks." I didn't want anyone knowing just how disappointed I was.

By the time it was mid-afternoon, everyone was in the pool playing. Or they were Jessica lounging on the side of the pool, feet dangling in the water. I was sitting on a beach chair, reading a magazine, chowing down on a burger. I took tiny bites, feeling self-conscious that I was eating ungirly food in a girly bathing suit.

I wasn't sure what it was, but I had this instinct to look up at Edward's window. When I did, I saw him staring out at the scene below. He was solemn, possibly sad that he was missing out on everything. He glanced my way, briefly staring at me before closing his shades again.

I decided to check up on him and possibly convince him to come downstairs even for a few minutes. The stairs creaked under my flip flops. Making that last right at the end of the hall, his door was slightly ajar. A big 'do not enter' sign hung from his door, but I pushed the door open a little bit.

"Edward?" I tested the air, hoping he was willing to talk.

He yanked it open on his side. His face invited me to continue with my line of questioning, albeit with a bit of an attitude.

"Did you-did you want to come downstairs?"

He stared at me, looking at me up and down. My bathing suit was a bright shade of purple with a single pink stripe running across my next to non-existent bust. My hair was pulled up in a high ponytail, my sunglasses sitting on my head.

"No." He pulled the door open a little more, allowing me room to enter.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to step in. His room was a boy's room. On top of being messy, it was moody. He had his walls painted a deep navy blue. Some of his drawings hung on the wall above his desk, which also had smatterings of his work.

He returned to his workspace, picking up his pencil to continue drawing.

"So…what are you working on?" I tiptoed into the room, compromising with myself to stay awhile.

"Stuff." His one word answers were definitely going to get me out of the room sooner.

"Oh, what kind of stuff?" I peered over his shoulder. "Oh, it's that movie you like. Something Nightmare?"

"_The Nightmare before Christmas_." He ducked his head low, concentrating on the skinny leg of a particular character.

"I've never seen it." His bed was the closest piece of furniture, so I flopped down on it.

He spun around in his chair, looking at me with disbelief. "You've _never_ seen _The Nightmare before Christmas_?"

I giggled at the difference between the beginning of this conversation to now. "No. My parents don't want me seeing scary movies."

"Bella, it's not a scary movie at all. It's more of a dark gothic musical. In fact-" Edward was now a ball of energy, frantically looking for something. "-you are not leaving here today until you watch it." He searched through his VHS collection on his TV stand.

"Okay. What's it about?"

"I can't tell you, you have to experience it."

I was a little frazzled at the sudden swing in Edward's emotions. They were like a pendulum, rarely ever resting. I don't think I'd ever saw him without that tired look in his eyes. I wasn't sure if he was restless because he never slept or because of who he was. He had a lot brewing under the surface and I wondered if that was what prevented him from sleeping.

We set up camp at the edge of his bed, lying on our stomachs. At first, I thought I wasn't going to understand the movie; the style of animation threw me off. Eventually, I gave myself to the wonder and magic of this crazy world.

"So Jack wants out of Halloween Town and into Christmas Town?"

"Yes, it is the quintessential want to escape the dark and enter the light."

I giggled. This was my first time laughing at him for taking himself too seriously. "Edward, it's just a movie. Enjoy yourself."

He hung his head, laughing and sighing into the bed. "You're right." This was one of the only times he backed down.

I wasn't sure if I found him mouthing along to the words amusing or the adorable way he kicked his feet around behind us, but I had this feeling of warmth in my veins. There we were, sitting in a dimly lit room, watching a movie and enjoying each other's company. We were away from everyone and it felt so right. There was no sun to unshield us or people to say how this was suppose to go.

He looked care-free and like he was enjoying himself. Really, really truly. He didn't have to defend anything or make a statement. He was just Edward, watching a silly animated movie with me.

The chords to Jack and Sally's Song tinkled from the television.

_My dearest friend, if you don't mind.  
I'd like to join you by your side,  
where we can gaze into the stars.  
_

He caught me staring at him. There were lines being said on the screen that I didn't catch. There were seconds that passed that were far too long.

_And sit together,  
now and forever._

Our eyes locked, our hearts raced.

I remember being concerned that my lips weren't covered in enough chapstick. I had the Dr. Pepper flavored kind and I briefly thought about just licking it off. I comprised that it wasn't a lot and he'd like it that I wasn't into lipstick. Did he want me to wear lipstick? What about blush? I knew Jenny was into putting on make up and I had seen Edward talk to her a couple of times. He had to have been flirting with her. Was I the kind of girl for him?

His eyes asked me for permission. If he was going to kiss me, then obviously he wanted me.

I watched him swallow his nerves. I tilted my head, our noses brushing gently.

_For it is plain as anyone can see,  
we're simply meant to be._

His lips met mine softly. He didn't do anything funny, only the brushing together of our mouths. There was no tongue or aggressive passion behind it. It was simple and beautiful, like his lips found the right place to rest. Like they could linger and be more than satisfied.

It was one of those movie magic moments. The kind that you never expected to happen to you at all, least of all when you were a teenager. But I knew that this was not a brief moment on celluloid. This was us. We were going to be this way forever. There was no way in all the Gods and supernovas and universes that this had to end right then and there.

Except that it didn't end the way I wanted it too. Instead of smiling that a memorable song of ours played, I was bitter that it happened.

I reached to change to the next song, but I hit a bump in the road as I was going for it. The player skipped ahead on its own to a more appropriate System of a Down song. At least I thought it was.

In the rearview mirror, I saw him, somber and reflective. His head turned, staring out the passenger window. The setting sun painted him in a golden reflection, adding color to his pale face. The bronze tinted hairs that decorated his jaw looked softer in the face of light. If I didn't know the man behind the beard, I'd say that he had stories to tell. He'd tell me tales of the family he cared about and the girl he loved. The girl who brought him to his knees when he wanted nothing more than to stand.

I think he was waiting for the right moment or he was waiting for me to talk first. I wouldn't know what to say and anything I did come up with was anti-climatic. I didn't know why I had to be the first to do anything. Waiting was a constant game for Edward and I didn't want that anymore.

If we were going to work things out, he was going to have to take the first step. I wanted someone to work around me for once. Even if that meant it would take a really long time. He may have been in the backseat, but I was taking my own in this situation.

"Are we driving straight through?"

"I'm sorry?"

"Are we stopping at all?"

"Um…" I was caught off-guard at what his first words were. "…since I left a little late, I was going to stop in Spokane for the night and leave early tomorrow morning."

Did I mention that it was going to be anti-climatic? I hoped it wouldn't be the same way the rest of the trip. We were driving three thousand miles together, there had to be progress somewhere in there. I was probably thinking too hard about making this work, so I let it go for now and continued on the road.

We reached the outskirts of Seattle, making it about halfway until Spokane. I was a little hungry and thought about stopping in the city to eat. I decided against it and would stop at a fast food restaurant on the way there.

The next couple of hours went by in silence. The day slowly faded into the brisk night; the March almost April air was crisp with a touch of the warmth to come. I was tempted to turn on the heat, but kept it off to save on gas. In the back seat, Edward was napping. I knew we would have to stop soon, both of us in need to get sleep before an even longer day ahead of us tomorrow.

On my GPS system, I navigated to the screen, allowing it to give me suggestions for hotels. There was a Comfort Inn at the farthest end of town, away from distractions, not that we'd be partying it up in Spokane.

I parked and the stopping must've awoken Edward. He blinked a few times, twisting his neck from side to side.

"We're stopping for the night." I heard the tired in my voice.

"Okay." Edward hopped out of the car, heading straight to the entrance of the hotel. "I'll take care of the room."

"Edward, don't be ridiculous. This is my trip."

"It's mine too. And besides, I fell asleep when I should've been driving some of the way. We'll take turns tomorrow."

I didn't say anything, not wanting to argue at this time of night.

Soon, we were in the room. The walls were an ugly tan with floral trim. The television would usually be a welcome commodity, but I was too tired to watch it. There was one problem: they gave us a queen bed.

"I'll just sleep on the floor." Edward grabbed a pillow from the bed, throwing it down next to the bed.

"No, Edward. You paid for the room, you get the bed."

"Besides, hotel beds suck anyway. The floor is better for your back anyway. Good night, Bella." He fluffed his pillow before disappearing from my sight on the hard carpeted floor.

I quickly brushed my teeth, changed into pajamas and plopped on the bed.

I wanted to scream into my pillow, but quietly crying would have to do for now.

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**A/N: Little bits and pieces being shown. I hope you like it so far. Let me know in the form of reviews.**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Disclaimer: Stephenie owns these characters. Damn it.**

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I forgot where I was for a moment. The dream I had didn't help matters any. In it, I was driving on a road, but all I could see were what my headlights allowed me to. Members of my family stood on the side of the road, their bodies were ghost-like and frightening. They stared at me, scrutinizing and making me feel diminutive. In the back seat of the car in my dreams was Edward, his presence eased my fears that not everyone had turned to ghosts.

He extended his hand to my shoulder, shaking me. This action triggered me to awake.

"Bella?" His hand on my bare shoulder shook my awake. "It's 6:00 in the morning. We have to get going."

I blinked a few times; the harsh light of the hotel room made him a silhouette. Reluctantly, I rubbed my eyes and attempted to sit up.

"Here. I got you some coffee. You still take it coffee and sugar?" He thrusted the hot Styrofoam cup into my hand.

"Yeah." I groggily replied. "Thanks."

"I'll be downstairs. They have muffins, cereal and some fruit. Did you want anything?"

I hesitated for a moment, but I really shouldn't have; he only wanted to know my food of choice on this early morning. "Um…a blueberry muffin?"

I heard the door close as I gathered myself together for an even longer day.

Interpreting dreams often left me confused and whether I was looking too deeply into a simple situation. If I was to look at the subtext of my dream, I would have to rely on Edward now more than ever or in the possible future. This didn't sit well with me. Edward was the least person I wanted anything to do with. I think my subconscious had amnesia and wants to take me back ten years when everything was perfect and my life was going in a great direction.

The coffee left a bitter taste in my mouth, but I chugged it, knowing I would need to energy for the road. After I change, I wheel my luggage downstairs.

"I didn't say that. I said I would be on the road _this_ week…No, I'll be there in a few days, I didn't forget." Edward was doing his best to remain quiet but I heard him clear enough. "No, I'm with…I'm with Bella right now. I'd have to come after we stop at a hotel when we get there. Listen I have to go, I'll call you on the road."

I purposely come up to the car with my wheels dragging loud against the tar. Edward instantly snapped to my attention, clearly wanting to not deal with me at the moment.

"Bella." He weakly smiled.

"Morning, Edward." I eyed the phone in his hand. "Who were you talking to?"

He didn't say anything at first; instead he stared at his phone screen. "Um, Alice."

I knew he was lying, but it was too early in the morning to start any verbal disagreeing with him. "Cool." Edward lifted my luggage into the car. "You driving first?"

He reached for the keys from me, but I did what any one part of a normal ex-couple who were road tripping together: I dropped the keys on the ground and kicked them under the car.

"Nicely played, Swan." He sarcastically responded before bending over to fish them out. I was tempted to kick the man while he was down, but decided that I was being enough of a bitter ex for at least an hour.

The next couple hours I continued to play with him. I knew he wasn't talking to Alice on the phone. It was plain as day judging from the tail end of the conversation. He was looking to see someone on _my_ road trip. This was still my deal and he wasn't getting any part of it.

I made him stop at every possible rest stop to imaginary pee. I played 'there's a car' along a busy stretch of road.

My favorite was making fun of his iPod song choices. "Spice Girls? Edward, really?"

"I picked out songs I knew you liked. You liked the Spice Girls even though you were at an age when their songs should've been the most ridiculous contrived songs in the world."

"Really? I thought you had a crush on the blonde. Let's see…hmm…Explain Hanson's 'MmmBop'…why do you have a song by little boys on your iPod?"

"We had a debate some odd years ago between the songs 'MmmBop' and Cyndi Lauper's 'SheBop', and trying to connect the two."

"'Smooth' by Santana? What is this flashback to lame shit?"

"That was our first song we….you know…to…"

I knew this, but showing my emotional hand was not going to happen. Instead I folded my arms and muttered, "Whatever." I sat back defeated, letting Montana's Big Sky soak me in and do its best to make me forget. I was on this trip to see things, not let him get the best of me.

"Bella, what's going on? You were fine this morning and now you're treating me worse. What did I do from you waking up to getting to the car?"

I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes. "Who were you talking to on the phone? I know it wasn't Alice."

"It was an old friend of mine."

"Bullshit."

"What I'm not allowed to have friends?"

"No, its bullshit. I know all your friends."

"No you don't. I have friends in many places."

"Friends? Just friends?"

"Oh Bella, don't give me that."

"What? I'm not judging you for having a personal or love life outside of what we had."

"No, but you're mad and this is going to be an unpleasant rest of the way if you're going to act the way you're acting."

"The way I'm acting? You won't tell me who was on the phone?"

"And you won't tell me about why the hell we are going to a cherry blossom festival all the way on the other side of the country."

"Because I like cherry blossoms."

"Bullshit."

"What? No it's not."

"I don't think you knew what cherry blossoms were before two weeks ago."

"Oh so you're calling me stupid?"

"No, I'm saying that you didn't know what they were before. That's not stupid, I'm glad you took the time out to learn about them."

"What? How is that still not calling me stupid?"

"I would never call you stupid."

"No, you would just never call me."

Edward stopped the car short on the side of the road. I wasn't fazed by it. I was waiting for him to crack and finally yell at me. He was too calm through all my shenanigans; I was ready for what he had to give to me.

He got out of the car and shut the door. He stood in front of the car, placing his hands on the hood. Looking at me, they were eyes of anger and what looked like hints of pain.

His question was muffled by the front windshield. "What are you doing to me, Bella?"

"I'm just on this road trip. What else am I doing?"

"This is not you. You are intentionally being this way to me. Why are you being so vengeful? Where has all this anger come from?"

"I don't know, Edward. I'm allowed to be emotional. I'm allowed to feel this way. I'm angry at you, so I'm taking it out on you. You're not honest with me and its pissing me off."

"Listen, I know that you don't want me here. And like I said, after this trip, I won't see you again. But let me in this last time. I want to know what is making you tick now."

I leaned forward, enunciating every word. "You will not know about me anymore."

Imitating my pose, he looked me dead in the eyes. "Then stop screwing with me." Edward shuffled back to the driver's seat, starting the car yet again.

The war between us was brewing hotter now more than ever. I never thought I'd see his face again after what he did to me, but life really was dealing me a shitty hand.

And it was an emotional road trip from hell hand.

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**A/N: Sorry for the lack of updates this past week. I promise to try and get one or two more chapters up in the next couple days. Like I mentioned in my profile, I know the overall picture of where this is going, but I'm writing it as I go.**

**Review if you are so inclined.**


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